if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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