Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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