He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
