i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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