If that was your dad, he is hot
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
