I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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