Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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