the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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