wanna go halves on a baby?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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