I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I touched a dick in church today
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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