So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
