Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
