Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
