im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
