Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You were trust falling into bushes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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