you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
