**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
