Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
