Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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