she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
