Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
