guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
