my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
