Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
