I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Randomize
