It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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