can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
