I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
