Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
