if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My ass is underappreciated
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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