I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
