Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
