its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to calm my uterus...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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