Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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