Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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