I should be sponsored by Trojan
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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