hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
