I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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