So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so that wasnt chicken after all
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
