did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
