I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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