I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
