And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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