well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
