She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
