2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
