You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
