I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
