Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
