not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
