the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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