You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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