His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
