Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
