Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
