All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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