remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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