He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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