Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
