when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
