I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
