swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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